Themes of Estranged Parents' Forums
"Truly Abusive Parents Don't Care"
According to the members of estranged parents' forums, parents who were abusive know they were abusive. They don't care enough about their children to mind if their children become estranged, so they would never come to a forum to try to heal the estrangement. Trying to heal the estrangement is proof that a parent couldn't possibly be abusive.
Abusers love themselves best and would never need or turn to a forum such as this for healing.
One point is, in my opinion, truly abusive parents would not be hurting like we all are to find and utilize this site.
We were not abusive parents. We care, that is why we are on here.
If I had beaten her or called her names or something awful, I could see it. But, you know, those people who have done awful things to their kids are not here because they don't care. Abusers do what they do with very little regret.
Ironically, a majority of estranged parents identify their own parents as abusive. They know what abuse looks like and how abusers think. However, they compartmentalize that knowledge. They create straw-man images of what abusers are really like:
Abusive parents don't care about their child's birthdays or Christmas, or graduation. So I hardly think that you were abusive.
And what abuse victims are like:
People who are really abused want to talk it out and are wanting an apology and the perpetrator to explain "why". They have trouble getting past the "why".
It seems to me that adult “children” who are truly abused don’t run to sites to validate themselves. These would be individuals who would seek professional treatment or live a life of loneliness .
And they are absolutely, positively certain their children were never abused:
I know my ES wasn't abused. I think that is the first thing people think when they hear you have an estranged child.
And no she wasn't abused. I spoiled her. And she hates me. How did that happen?
My post topic is about the ones who "drank' the koolaid...not about those who might or might not have "been abused" and I mean really abused not just making up a story about abuse cause you did not like the rules of the household growing up. That is not abuse...that is percieved and rewritten history...so it fits with their victim story. As with anything else in life there are varying degrees of abuse and abuse becomes the fault of those who did not ask enough questions or perhaps the exact right question and the victim either with or without any explanation feels justified in doing what they "want" to do like dumping parents and causing generational dysfunction all based on their stories. Bear in mind I am not discounting true abuse here...just percieved.
This page may contain copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. It is being made available in an effort to advance the understanding of psychological issues. It is believed that this constitutes a ‘fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law.
The analyses on this page are my own opinions and should not be construed as medical advice or statements of absolute fact.