If I Ever Become an Anime Villain...
...an Anime Hero(ine)
...a Magical Girl
I will take the Evil Overlord List as my
I will not fall in love with the hero's romantic interest. I have no
chance with him or her, and all of the interesting characters are already
on my side.
If my enemy's partner is the cutest, most ineffectual kawaiiko in the
cast, I will not underestimate her. She may be squealy, and she may be
annoying, but she is probably the most powerful source of magical energy
on the show.
I will not kill my underlings, no matter how ineffectual or used-up they
are. It's terribly embarrassing to have the winning hand and lose because
of sheer lack of numbers.
If my underlings repeatedly desert me for the hero's side, I will look
into the merits of what he or she is doing. If it doesn't suit my plans
to join the forces of good, I will at least institute a program to stop
employee defections. Perhaps something involving cheery slogans and coffee-room
If my enemy is a magical girl, I will not stand in awe as she goes airborne,
drops all of her clothes, and starts spinning in preparation to transform.
I will wait until her regular clothes are gone, then yank her down and
start fighting. If her shock at my breaking the Law of Uninterruptable
Metamorphosis doesn't paralyze her, the fact that she's in her birthday
If my enemy must shout the names of his attacks to get the full effect,
I will invest in a simple first-level AD&D spell known as the "Sphere
It hardly bears mentioning that my own attacks won't have a verbal component.
And if the author insists upon my shouting attack names, I will
not choose eight-kanji confections with fourteen syllables and no identifiable
meaning. I will have attacks with names like "HA!"
...Although I might make an exception for an attack called "Neener-neener-neener."*
I will remember: The plot is not on my side. There's no way that I can
win, so I might as well have fun.
Whips are fun.
Chains are fun.
But they should be used sparingly unless I want to appear in yaoi fics
for the rest of my born days.
If I am facing an unbeatable mecha, I will not aim for it to the exclusion
of all other targets or risk my underlings to get the specs. I will take
out the techie team which maintains it. And then I will aim for
it to the exclusion of all other targets.
If I am a second-string villain, I will fall in love with the hero(ine)
as soon as possible. This will save me time and trouble in the long run.
If I am a second-string villain, I will join the good guys at the first
chance and help them kill my boss. Then, while they celebrate, I will
kill them all and take over my boss's position.
The most plain/young/ditzy/wussy hero(ine) dies first. There's nothing
I hate more than having some punkling start displaying awesome power after
I've beaten everyone else.
If I Ever Become
an Anime Hero(ine)...
If I Ever Become a Magical Girl...
* Ninani Nani Na,
"virtuous, graceful nun's mochi-sticking arrest": With a graceful
sweep of my hand, grains of mochi fly out of my habit and gum themselves
to the good guys until they're completely immobilized in man-sized
balls of sticky rice. I'm going to be an interesting villain.