I just finished watching The Mummy, and it struck me that there are nuggets of wisdom to be gleaned from it which you could never get from another source. In the spirit of education, I present to you...

Everything I Need to Know I Learned from The Mummy

If someone does something unspeakably horrible, kill him in a way which will ensure that he will come back as an unstoppable force of evil.

Always find some pretext to change into native dress. It's sexier and more becoming than your regular gear, and no matter how grungy it gets, it'll always rip in the right places.

When a body rots, its teeth go bad, too.

Beetles squeak.

Guns do work against the undead.

They work against beetles, too. Well, they don't actually work, per se, but shooting swarms of beetles is satisfying in its own way.

When in doubt, kiss the bad guy.

Remember to bring along at least two potential female romantic leads. That way you have a 50% chance that your beloved won't turn out to be the reincarnation of a long-dead evil nasty.

There are actually five canopic jars in a set, not the four that most books say. The fifth jar was always made of solid gold, which is why museums never got their hands on any.

The Egyptians had books. All that mucking about with scrolls was for the tourist trade.

Quicksand can form in the high desert.

Scarab beetles are extremely dangerous.

Before I launch into the wisdom of the ages, let me just say: I just reached the part where Rangerboy explains that the bad guys' plan is to bring back the mummy from the last movie so that he can whup the Scorpion King for them. My reaction is:

YEE-HAW!

Finally, finally, someone has brought this plot to American cinema! Call up a greater evil to subdue a lesser evil, then hope like hell that the greater evil doesn't turn around and eat you! It worked in Inu-Yasha, it worked in Bastard!, it worked in Ushio & Tora, and now it's going to work here! Joy! Bliss! I love this plot! This means that someone is going to either make the mummy his pet and take him to school, or turn mashoujo and subdue him romantically! Too cool! Who's wearing the sailor fuku?

Everything Else I Need to Know I Learned from The Mummy Returns

Gold is light.

Scarab beetles are very, very, very, very extremely dangerous.

Snakes, on the other hand, are mostly harmless and best used as projectile weapons.

Packing off your child to a cold, unloving, regimented English boarding school is cruel and heartless. Take him with you and abandon him for hours at a time in the bottom of archaeological excavations instead.

Don't bother listening to your child. If you do, the movie will be about ten minutes long, and no one will die in ways requiring special effects.

The less armor, the better. The most naked man wins.