Recent Star Wars movies and books claim that the Force is actually the emanations of wee organisms drifting about in the Jedi's blood. Rrrrright. Way to kill a mythic fantasy, George. Personally, I think that this "explanation" was inserted at the urging of federal authorities afraid that if Americans realized that the Force was open to all of us, they'd be overwhelmed by tax evaders with lightsabers and big brown bathrobes.

In the interest of exposing this farce and showing the people of this overfed and spoiled great nation the truth, I offer myself up as a sacrifice. I will undertake Jedi training. I will defy the expectations of the world and my own weak body. I will aspire to be worthy of the big brown bathrobe.

On my journey, I will face dozens of obstacles. The lack of a teacher. An unathletic physique. A hatred of pain and suffering, especially my own. A longstanding failure to find knee-high leather boots and a multilayered pre-dirtied gi worthy of a Jedi. But I will persevere. Why? Because I can. Because I dare. Because, most importantly, if I fail, you will mock me.

This is the most important part of my Jedi training: You mocking me. My RL friends are even less athletic and Force-sensitive than I am, and they view my evening jogs as a mild eccentricity which I will no doubt grow out of when I reach a woman's years. If I slack off on my program, they nod, yawn, and pass the chips while asking me out to a movie on what used to be my gym night. As an independent, self-directed modern American who doesn't care what anyone else thinks, I can't stay motivated unless I get regular feedback. Usually, the the Jedi Council would do it for me. However, as they have most thoughtlessly failed to exist, in their absence, you lot are to be my Greek chorus.

Don't worry. It'll be fun.

Here's the deal: I train. I log my progress along the Way in my LiveJournal. You play Qui-Gon. The cuter of you can play Obi-Wan too. (Ever read a fanfic called "Wet Paint"?) Hell, all of you can play Obi-Wan--the more fellow Padawans there are, the more tax evaders with lightsabers and big brown bathrobes there'll be. Eventually, someone will complete the program and become a Jedi, and then we'll... Well, what would you do if you became a Jedi?

(Note: The title bar looks terrible in Netscape. I'm sorry. That'll be fixed when I switch this page over from "Jedi Training" to "So You Want to Be a Jedi.")