Deep thoughts from Zidane on the might of female
Okay, so like, there's this chick? And she's really hot? And she
flips her hair constantly, so that when she and this gnarly sorceror
guy get together it looks like a debutantes' koffeeklatch? And she,
like, totally kicked our asses, I mean totally, I mean, we were
all like, "EEEEYAGH! SLASH! SLASH! POOF! WHIZZ WHIZZ WHIZZ
BANG! THUNK!" and she was totally, "Seen it before, talk
to the hand." So she knocks us down to one HP and this other
guy comes up and looks at us for a while and mentions that we're
gonna be trouble but doesn't kill us while we're flat on our asses,
which is proof that he's the villain because only villains are that
stupid, but anyway. SO we run around and she runs around and we
all run around, right?
And then we meet her again and we're all like, "Stop, evil
lady!" and she's all "Not again" and we're all "Yeah,
again, you thieving hellbitch!" So we fight again and she spacks
us down again in one blow because she got bored and stuff, and then
she teleports off and we teleport off and it's all good.
So we run around this like totally gnarly ship, and we find out
that everyone's evil, and we go, "Ohmigod, we haven't saved
the princess in like half a disc!" So we jump back in the teleporter
and we go save the princess. And we're coming up out of the hole
in her mom's room (it's a deep Freudian reference, get it?) and
she's like, "STOP!" And we're like, "When did you
get here?" And she's like, "Don't change the subject!"
And we're like, "We're gonna get creamed again, right?"
And she's like, "Right." And we're like, "We're not
getting off this disc unless we do it, so bring it on." And
she brings it on and we're used to it by now so we don't even try
to defend ourselves, we just try to keep Zidane alive so he can
steal her stuff. She's got wicked stuff. Anyway. Zidane gets all
her stuff and we get bored and whomp her hair-flickin' ass with
like 5000 points of damage, and she says, "God, is that all?"
and like flattens us with that Something-or-Other Break attack thing
she does where we all end up on our asses wondering how much tequila
we just drank.
So we go "Whoa" and she goes "Yeah" and it's
And then the Queen like totally flips out, and the chick flips
out on the Queen. It's like a catfight, only with no sexy hair-pulling
or baby oil or anything. And the chick says, "Screw you, I'm
going with these guys." The queen's all, "Screw you!"
and the Queen's puppet evil dummy sorceror things are all, "Screw
you! Screwed you are!" and the chick's all "No, screw
YOU!" and the puppet evil dummy sorceror things call out a
giant stuffed pink dog to whomp her ass.
So I'm all like, "I'll save you, hot warrior chick!"--'cos
I'm smooth that way, you know--but Freya jumps in front of me and
she's all, "No, I'LL save you, hot warrior chick!" I'm
about to say something but then I realize that this means that Freya
is healing from her Sir Fratley business, so it's therapeutic,
and besides, I'm suddenly somewhere very visual. So everyone hauls
me back down the hole.
And we fight pink stuffed dogs and black mages and more pink stuffed
dogs and even more pink stuffed dogs until I'm like, "Enough
with the pink stuffed dogs!" But there's never enough pink
stuffed dogs, so we keep fighting and fighting and in the middle
of all this, we keep stopping to ask ourselves:
"Is that hot warrior chick doing okay against the pink stuffed
And it really bugs us! Because okay, she knocked us down to nothing
with her little finger, and we're knocking the pink stuffed dogs
down to nothing with our little fingers, so she should be able to
just glare at the dogs and make them burst into flame, but maybe,
uh, she's too busy looking lovingly at Freya to glare? Or maybe
she's phobic of pink stuffed dogs?
It really bugs us!
I just know we're going to be wondering whether the hot warrior
chick is okay until the nexttime she shows up to whomp our asses.
It's totally annoying. You'd think that, like, three battles worth
of experience would be enough to convince me that the hot warrior
chick can take on Gizmaluke
himself and not scratch her nail polish, but what do you expect?
I'm a video game character.
Being a video game character sucks.
And so does
Kuja's hair animation...