Game Log
+ Prologue
+ Pirate actors
+ Alexandria 1
+ Alexandria 2
+ The Woods
+ Cleyra
+ A pause
+ The Castle
+ The Iifa Tree
+ Fossil Roo
+ Conde Petie
+ Madain Sari
+ The Desert
+ The Desert Palace
+ Ipsen's Castle

+ Everything I never needed to know I learned from FF9
+ FF9 is a family game...

+ Zidane Tribal
+ Tantalus
+ Vivi Ornithopter
+ Garnet
+ Kuja
+ Garland


FF9 is a family game. You can tell
because all of the families are broken.

Let's run through it, shall we?

Garnet: Her father's dead. Her mother is evil and, for some reason, blue. (But she can cut a rug, which I respect.) Her uncle is a womanizer and an oglop.

Zidane: He's a throwaway who was brought up to be a thief and a bit player by a team of bandits-cum-theater majors. His family--every single member of them sans one, a group which can number in the thousands depending on how loosely you want to define descent--is FREAKING INSANE. And by insane, I don't mean cute All-Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku-Nuku insane. I mean, IT WOULD BE A SPOILER IF I TOLD YOU insane.

Vivi: He was raised in a cave by a mad chef who planned to eat him. His siblings, once we find them, are BLOODY FUCKING AIEEK WHAT IS THAT I'M BEING BURNT ALIVE BY A SIX-FOOT-TALL UFO CATCHER DOLL insane.

Quina: .................

We don't know anything about Quina. We don't want to know. It's not important.

Freya: We know nothing about her family, which is probably a sign of health. On the other hand, Freya's own family-building skills leave something to be desired, what with the pining and the sighing and the hunting high and low for a man who didn't even have the sense to legally change his name once he hit majority.

Steiner: ...Again, not important. He's middle-aged, he's cut his apron strings, he's devoted to his work. He's probably never gotten laid. He might make a good father, provided he didn't stomp on one of the rug rats when he went into a hissy fit, but marriage? Steiner? ...No.

The King of Burmecia: His son is barely kickin' height, but he ran away from home three years ago and has been wandering the world ever since. The King's reaction is to moon about asking, "Have you seen my son?" Dude, you're the king of Burmecia. Send out a search party. Before your son becomes a M:TG whore peddling his tail in Lindblum for cards. Thank you.

Kuja: Let's talk sibling rivalry. Let's talk a father who's an archetypal user. Let's talk group therapy, maybe some hugs. Maybe a little private therapy to work out why his hostility at his father has caused him to heavily armor his upper half and let his butt hang out his skirt. Is it another way of saying, "You've shafted me so much, here, do it again"? Are you feeling a little aggressive toward your father? What was your toilet training like? Here, take a tissue if you need one.

There are several other families in the story belonging to secondary characters, but they're all doomed: The Moogle wedding destroyed by Black Mages. The grandmother who was blinded and will never see her grandchild's face. The Burmecian families who are missing fathers or (if you pick the wrong path like me) mothers, too. We never see a family unless the plot's setting up for a chance to KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL. At this point, just the sight of something family-related makes my heart sink; it's like seeing a Moogle. Death and destruction are on their way.

No wonder Zidane's a hopeless womanizer. Sleeping with everything that moves is the only safe relationship in the game.