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Issendai Takes On Final Fantasy X

Spoilers, spoilers, spoilers galore. Be warned.

Thoughts upon FFX characters

Tidus: Has he noticed that he's got only half his pants? And half his shirt? And a hoodie's hood, without the actual hoodie? He's lucky to be wearing both his shoes.

Wakka: I just want to shave him. All of him. No more leg hair on the chin, no more cockatoo hairdo, and he might be a halfway presentable guy. The low-cut tank top's kinda fun and flirty, especially with the cunning little slit in the front to show his belly button; it'd look great on his sister.

Auron: Red robe, gray pants, black latex tank top, tasteful armor accessories... Auron got it goin' on! And I've got to say that silvering hair, moody eyes, little glasses, and a bit of character in the face is a sweet and scrumptious relief from generic RPG bishonenosity.

As long as he keeps his face in his collar. When his lifts his head, he looks like my dad. Eeew.

Lulu: She's elegant, wise, and a bitch. She shouldn't be forced to haul around a name like "Lulu." What is it with the Japanese and repeating L names, anyway? Lulu is a favorite in crossdressing scenes in Slayers, along with "her" sisters Lala and Lili. Is there a cultural point I'm missing here?

Lulu's outfit is, as far as I can tell, held up with hot glue. And I question the practicality of a dress with a train and a leather-strap underskirt; is that really what one wants to be wearing when glacier-climbing? It doesn't seem to bother Lulu, though. In fact, she's the best dodger of the bunch--stepping straight back in a move that should have her walking on her own train. Apparently there's a secret "Ginger Rogers" skill.

Kimahri: ...was more interesting before he talked.

Rikku: She really should put her pants back on, and maybe do something about her "Tank Girl wannabe trying to breakdance with a charleyhorse" battle stance. That said, I like her. She's realistic. She's realistic for a 13-year-old girl, but still. (And you know that she used to say "That's so immature" a lot.)

Yuna: She moves as though the stick up her ass won't stay there unless she keeps her thighs clenched together. Personally, I think she's not a real person. She's a puppet operated by her guardians, who haven't agreed on what her personality should be, which is why she doesn't have one.

Seymour: He worries me. His face is pure hunka hunka pipin' hot bishonen lurve. The rest of his body was dredged out of the bin of designs they came up with in FF9 in a vain attempt to replace Kuja's character design with something, anything. This particular something, anything is a pudgy Martian drag queen with a taste for S&M. Seymour's shoulder thing is buttoned to his nipples, teasingly exposing his blurry pectoral tattoos. The tunic billows at the belt, giving the impression that Seymour has a pot belly, despite the fact that it's open to the navel to show an exciting glimpse of trim and hairy abs. (Fashion designers love paradoxes.) Combine the faux-sexy outfit with the light blue hair and the calm, cultured voice, and you have a character so villainous that he might as well add "...but I'm not evil" after each sentence.

I sense a theme to FFX...

Tidus: I hate my old man! I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!

Yuna: How can you say such things about your father?

Tidus: Because he's an asshole.

Lulu: Regardless of that, he's still your father, and you should respect him.

Auron: By the way, Tidus, Sin is your father.

Everyone: God, Tidus, your old man IS an asshole.

Seymour: But let's put these unhappy thoughts aside. Yuna, will you marry me?

Yuna: ...Sure.

Seymour: And then defeat Sin by my side?

Yuna: ...Sure.

Seymour: And rule over the Guados as my queen?

Yuna: ...Sure.

Seymour: And have my babies? We Guados like to have lots of babies. We spawn in clutches. Is that going to be a problem? Because if--

Everyone: AIEE DIE! *spack spack spack*

Seymour: --Because if that's going to be a problem, we're going to have to work on the prenups. Why are you all staring at me like that?

Everyone: You're DEAD!

Seymour: Of course I am. You killed me. It's kind of cool, actually. My nose doesn't get itchy any more. I hated having an itchy nose. Now Yuna, about the wedding gown, I was thinking "miniskirt"...

Yuna: Maester Mika, Maester Mika, please help me! Seymour's dead and he's still chasing me around with ecchi wedding-dress plans!

Mika: So? I'm dead, too, and it never got in my way. And what's wrong with a nontraditional wedding dress?

Yuna: ...Never mind. Come on, everyone, let's go get me a new aeon to help me scrape off Seymour.

Aeons: By the way, we're dead, too.

Tidus: Do what?

Aeons: And so are you, Tidus. But we regurgitated you, so it's okay.

Tidus: But that means my old man's...

Aeons: Spirit puke too, yeah.

Tidus: Bummer.

Yuna: Oh my god, the Final Aeon's dead!

Everyone: We knew that.

Yuna: No, really, like, dead-dead! Gone! Kaput! An ex-aeon! You can see where it's nailed to the floor!

Yunalesca: Chill, babe, it's copasetic. Gimme one of your friends and I'll kill them and turn them into a genuine personalized aeon. Monogrammed and everything.

Yuna: But you're dead!

Yunalesca: It's kinda cool. C'mon, pick a friend to off.

Yuna: ...Nah, I think I'll go see if Oaca's still having that blue-light special on aeons.

Yunalesca: Then lemme show you just how cool it is to be dead.

Everyone: *spack spack spack*



Auron: And I'm dead.

Tidus: Do what?

Auron: Yeah. Been dead for years. It's kind of cool.

Seymour: Isn't it? By the way, meet my mother. She's dead.

[...and we're nowhere near the punchline, folks. Tune in next week for more "Issendai Plays Too Much FFX" TV!]

Musings on Seymour

Y'know, if your mother killed herself when you were a small girl so that you could go through life with a tormented fish for a mascot, you'd be screwed up too. Maybe it was for the better that Mrs. Guado killed herself. Aeons don't talk; the horror that Seymour went through when he found out that the deepest expression of his mother's soul was a gargantuan trout in deep spiritual agony was nothing compared to the horror he'd have gone through as a child being ushered through adolescence by a woman whose soul was a gargantuan trout in deep spiritual agony.

Unfortunately, that does mean he was brought up by a man who taught him that pectoral body paint and an artificial beer gut was true ladykillin' fashion. Mrs. Guado would have swathed him in Edward Scissorhands castoffs. Thus have we traded his pain for my pain--not a fair trade, methinks. Someone cast a life spell on the fish.

The FFX litany goes on...

Yuna: Didn't that suspiciously motherly summoner who keeps opening cans of whoopass on my aeons in a suspiciously nurturing way say something about dropping by her temple for a visit?

Tidus: Yeah! But where's her temple?

*absolute silence*

*a crumpled blitzball flier blows by*

Tidus: ...Rrright then. Let's search.

*several days pass*

Tidus: ...Rrright then. Let's read a cheat page.

*several minutes pass*

Tidus: And here we are! Whoa, it's huge!

Yuna: And romantically isolated, yet strangely well-preserved!

Tidus: Hey suspiciously motherly summoner-lady, how come you live all alone in a fabulously beautiful and well-maintained temple that's near one of the most economically vibrant wilderness regions of Spira but doesn't have a single gift shop?

Belgemine: Because I'm a restoration hobbyist.

Tidus: Cool!

Belgemine: Plus I'm dead.

[I give up, folks.]


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