I tried to play Vagrant Story, I really did, but...
The buttocks were so big, and the graphics were so bad, and everyone
talked like characters in a bad comic book. I had to stop. I'm sorry.
See, HC handed Vagrant Story to me a week or two ago. "Play
this," she said. So I dithered. Because, you see, Our Hero
is on the front cover, posing in all his manly glory; and right
below the title, shining like the twin moons of Justice and Righteousness,
were his buttocks. His naked, tanned buttocks. He was wearing the
world's vastest battle shorts, shorts that ballooned around his
thighs like twin yurts, and around back were two half-moon cutouts
with a wee strip between them so that he could clench the shorts
between his warrior cheeks and hold them in place to display his
naked, tanned, waggling, completely unmissable buttocks.
You think I'm going on about his buttocks because I have a thing
for buttocks. You're wrong. I'm going on about his buttocks because
NOT A HUMAN BEING ALIVE COULD MISS THEM. No PRIMATE alive could
miss them. Beltane, a member of a completely unrelated genus, was
staring at the game box and thinking, "Is that what I think
So of course I had to try the game. You know. Buttocks.
And then the game started, and lo, was it awful. Sepia-toned knights
ran around in a vaguely castle-like sea of sepia pixels, popping
up comic-book-style speech bubbles to emit "handwritten"
speech in awful, awful, completely hopelessly awful "medievalle"
English. An upright, stiff-necked sepia-toned knight with the fetching
name of "Romeo Guildenstern" churned pixels about the
screen as he ordered his knights to do this and that with some mysterious
set of people whom we haven't seen yet. Are they good? Are they
bad? Do we want them to be put to the sword? Is it actually going
to matter, or are we going to be hauled through the plot like a
fish with a hook in its lip? And are the moral conundrums we're
going to have to ruminate on actually--
OH MY GOD WAS THAT WHAT I THINK IT WAS?
Romeo Guildenstern turned around. This uptight, fully-armored knight
had a hole cut into the back of his outfit so that you could see
Houston, we have butt cleavage.
In my lap, Beltane was thinking, "Yes, that was what you think
Now, it's nice that someone's finally making the men show a little
skin. We female fans appreciate that. But maybe butt = breasts is
not the best paradigm to work from.
And then we finally, finally got to see Our Hero in action. Lo,
did his buttcheeks glow like sepia-toned beacons of honor. But whereas
on the box they were the twin jewels of a pair of buttocks round
and ripe, lo, like a bubble begging to be popped, Our Hero's actual
buttocks were round and ripe like twin pumpkins begging to be hacked
to pieces and made into pie. Our Hero's butt was bigger than MY
butt. I developed butt envy.
I had to turn the game off. It's never going back on. I'm sure
it's a lovely game with a wonderful plot and some really incisive
commentary on the human condition, but until the designers distribute
some undershorts to the cast, I just can't take it.