My housemates started the game, and I didn't pick it up until chaos
sashayed onto the scene. The bishonenage was too much to resist.
Unfortunately, the rest of the game defeated me, and I didn't get
far past the Mall from Hell. Intensely spoilery.
The joys of white-haired bishonen
Watching Xenosaga was only slightly more interesting than drinking
36 gallons of flat sugar-water through a very small straw... until
we got to the "salvage" ship. White-haired bishonen in
a blue body stocking and tiny white terrycloth shorts held up by
nothing but a disconcerting bulge... oh, yeah.
Not the bulge, I mean. That really is disturbing. The bishonen.
He's sweet and gentle and kind and he fell in love with the robot
as soon as she appeared, and when asked why he has Fabulous Magical
Powers, he chirped, "Oh, everyone's good at something."
You know he's evil. Admit it. He's going to smile winsomely 60%
of the way through the game and suck someone's brains out. The rest
of the plot is still as interesting as drinking 36 gallons of flat
sugar-water through a very small straw, but I'm willing to sit through
it as long as it means watching Perky McTinypants giggle as he feeds
someone's entrails to them.
A brief recap of Xenosaga, parte thee first
(Dead people in space OMG)
'Kay, so like there's this ship floating through space, and the
dudes running it come across a battlefield and they're like, "Whoa,
grody. Is there any cool stuff left?" So they see this corpse
and the captain is all, "Wrong kind of recycling, just let
it bounce off the fender," and this grown-up Tasuki dude is
all, "Dude, that's totally un-Shinto and my grandma's gonna
kick your ass!" and the captain's all, "Dude, your grandma's
dead," and Tasuki's all, "So?" and the captain's
all, "So?" and while they're yelling "So?" at
each other the corpse gets stuck in a window bay.
So they're all, "Eeeeewww--wait! HOT BABE!!!" And then
they start making Cogent Speculations about her, 'cos hitting a
corpse is gross but decomposition just puts the "tang"
And then the corpse totally WAKES UP, OMG.
Well, they're all "OMG!" and she's all, "Shut the
hell up, this is a hijacking," and they're all, "Dude,
can't take the wheels!" and she's all, "Gimme or I'll
smash your windshield like a 200-pound bug," and they're all,
"Your girly fist is no match for our manly windshield,"
and she's all, "WHO-DO-YOU-THINK-I-AM,-YOUR-GRANDMA PUNCH!"
and the windshield is all "Crunch," and they're all, "OMG."
So they let her on.
And then they pick up this transmission from this escape pod that's
like hanging out in a debris field with Andrew "Duty Will Be
My Middle Name As Soon As I Get It Legally Changed From 'Jackass'"
Cherenkhov clinging to the side like one of those climbing cat plush
toys, only without the window suckers. He's not having the best
day. Inside the pod, Shion's all "OMG where's my girlfriend?"
and Sparky McSquifferson's all "Chief, I wanna process!"
and Shion's all "But my girlfriend!" and Sparky's all
"But my neuroses!" and Shion's all But my girlfriend!"
and Sparky's all "But my neuroses!" Shion's girlfriend
cuts in and says, "Dudes, it was cool. Later." And Shion's
all, "What do you mean, later? I didn't program you to BLOW
ME OFF, you little tramp!" And KOS-MOS is all, "Got places
to go, things to blow up," and Shion is all, "Take me
with you or I'm spacing myself!" and KOS-MOS is all, "You
are so totally codependent."
At this point, the tiniest pair of pants in the star sector drifts
in, attached just barely to a hot-fudge sundae with nuts and all
the toppings. Ah, the official Game Bishonen (TM) has arrived. He
has white hair, so in Final Fantasy he'd be evil, but we probably
aren't going to have that much luck. Anyway. He wanders in, having
a good stretch. KOS-MOS is all "BATTLE STA--WTF?" and
while she's gaping at him and trying to like unravel his nucleic
code or something, he drifts up to the captain and has a snuggle
right there on the bridge. The captain lights a cig, 'cos it was
Just That Good. That's all it takes to convince Captain Manly "Warning:
I AM BOOZER BANZAI BANZAI" McBrickerson to haul Shion and Co.
So Shion shows up and is all, "I'm soooooo embarrassed,"
and the captain is all, "Sawright, what chaos wants chaos gets,"
and Shion is all, "Chaos, you're my man," and chaos is
all, "Any time," and we STILL don't know why chaos wants
Shion-tachi onboard. And then Shion is all, "KOS-MOS, I'ma
whup your ass! Get over here!" and KOS-MOS is all, "Talk
to the hand, I've heard the call of a higher power," and Shion
is all, "Higher than your GIRLFRIEND?" and KOS-MOS is
all, "So McBrickerson, whassup?" And he's all, "...yeah."
And she's all, "Tech tech tech tech tech I need a recharge
tech tech," and he's all, "You gonna pay for all that
fuel?" and she's all, "Got an expense account," and
he's all, "Cool," and meanwhile Shion is throwing a total
shit-fit because, well, wouldn't you?
And then this rocket-crotch Gnosis dude comes along, and it's all,
"RAR!" and they're all, "OMG!!!" and it's all,
"I'ma eat me some military-dude head now!" and it totally
grabs Cherenkov and dangles him above the floor and starts erasing
him from the game. YAY!
Manly McBrickerson, who hasn't read the script, is all, "DUDE
OMG WTF DO SOMETHING!" and chaos is all, "Got it covered,"
and the Gnosis dude is all, "I'ma eat me some uke head, too!"
and chaos is all angelic smiles. The Gnosis dude is all, "OMG.
And then chaos touches him, and he dissolves into pyreflies. SO
cool. Can we have him in our party? Can we? Can we?
So Shion's all, "Gnarly! How'd you do that?" and chaos
is all "[insert Japanese platitudes here]." The only person
who makes their See Through Total Blather roll is Sparky, who gets
ignored because, well, he's Sparky. I'm starting to like the poor
guy. He yells sensible things, they ignore him. I yell sensible
things, they ignore me. We're bonding through common experience,
Sparky and me. Anyway. We still don't know why chaos wanted Shion
and Co. on the ship.
And then Tasuki oozes up to Shion with all his muscles at maximum
bulge, 'cos girls like that. He's all, "Hey baby, haven't seen
a real girl in ages, what say you and me get a private suite and
I show you some of the tricks I read about in Naughty Spacegirls
Gone Wild?" And Shion is all, "Uhhh..." because she's
a nerd and she has no idea that getting a private suite is part
of a heavy date. She'd have understood if he'd said, "Hey baby,
I'm titering alone tonight in Lab 12, what say you come and keep
me awake?" Thus did romance perish screaming in the culture
gap. But NOW we know why chaos wanted Shion and Co. on board: to
get Tasuki off his back.
Tasuki, having struck out with Shion, goes for Sparky with a level
of force and focused dedication that would've drilled through the
Maginot Line in a day and a half. But not in this scene, alas.
And then we skip to some totally other dudes doing some totally
other stuff in a scene that, as far as I can tell, has nothing whatsoever
to do with anything else in the game. Talking heads bore me.
Next: Issendai rants about the total absence of chaos's Cute Attack
from the game.
Xenosaga wibbling; or, Perky McTinypants Perky McTinypants Perky
So I've gotta tell you, I'm diggin' on chaos's Cute Attack. It
takes a lot of the fun out of combat for the other characters because
the greeblies are gone before they can get a hit in, but it's way
too much fun to watch the Gnosises shiver into little puddles of
sparkly blissful goo at the touch of his hand.
Now, it would've been nice to get some warning that the Cute Attack
can have psychological effects so that we could've done something
before chaos Cuted KOS-MOS into disemboweling Shion and force-feeding
her her own liver. One does like foreshadowing. (Can we say that
together, Square? "FORE-SHA-DOW-ING.") But if we knew
that he was going to do it, would we have stopped him?
So the foreshadowing was technically unnecessary. Still, one likes
the proprieties to be observed.
Now Our Heroes, such as remained after the massacree, are under
the thumb of a demented and deranged angel. Normally, "angel"
is anime shorthand for "rampant gay totty with wings,"
but apparently we've gone down a completely different side path,
the "rampant gay totty with razorblade-edged Feathers of Doom
and a will to kill everything that doesn't bow down before him"
path. I do not approve.
Of course, we still haven't gotten back aboard the Elsa. Anything
could happen when Captain "Warning: I AM A BOOZER BANZAI! BANZAI!"
meets Perky Mc"Warning: I AM AN UKE DAME! DAME!"pants,
razorblade wings or no. I have high hopes. Ora pro mihi.